KROTOV'S DAILY

October 31, 2001, Halloween, 23.13, Moscow

These materials are from the great site: http://www.angelfire.com/pa3/OldWorldBasic/, reproduced due to the kind permission of the site owner.

Top Ten Signs You Might Be Russian Orthodox

By �Dmitri Letterman�

� On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.

� You�re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.

� You can automatically subtract 13 days from today�s date.

� On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the �next to the next to last� syllable.

� You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.

� You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you�ll be standing a long, long time.

� To you, a �topless� gal is one without a headscarf.

� You get great deals on Christmas trees and Easter candy.

� You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling.

� When you see a shopping-mall Santa, your first instinct is to hold out your hands to get his blessing.

Runners-Up

� Before you pray, you say a prayer.

� You don�t flinch when someone throws water at you.

� When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you�re Jewish. Oy!

� You�re experienced at removing wax from clothing.

� When you go to the movies, you and your spouse sit on different sides of the theatre (and you both feel uncomfortable sitting down in public).

� The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ? hours � and nobody around you complains.

� You find yourself instinctively drawn to jurisdictional chaos. �I don�t believe in organized religion; I�m Orthodox!�

� At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.

� Your Easter isn�t Easter without an all-night party (featuring vodka and 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).

Train Tale

Two people meet on a train. After some introductory chat, they discover both are Orthodox and of Russian descent.
Vlad: Old Calendar or New Calendar?
Alex: Old.
Vlad: Very good. Do you have a three-hour Vigil in church every Saturday night and before every holy day, even if the holy day is on a Monday?
Alex: Yes.
Vlad: Excellent. Pews or no pews?
Alex: No.
Vlad: Clean-shaven or bearded priest?
Alex: Bearded.
Vlad: Does he wear his cassock and cross on the street?
Alex: Da.
Vlad: Is your jurisdiction ecumenist or non-ecumenist?
Alex: Non.
Vlad: Do you have an old-man Trinity icon?
Alex: Uh, yes.
Vlad: Aha! Heretic!

Is It Really an �All-Night Vigil�?

No, it only feels that long.

Which Is The Tradition?

In the village of Omsk all was not well in the local Pokrov Parish. Every year, during Lent, at �Blessed art Thou, O Lord, teach me Thy statutes�, half of the congregation would make a metany at the waist, and half would make a full prostration. The little metanists would start whispering sharply, �No! No! From the waist!� To which the great metanists would hiss back even louder, �Wrong! Full prostration! Who are you following, the Devil?!� And fistfights would break out and the service could not even be completed.

Finally the war-weary parishioners decided to ask their priest, Fr Veniamin. �Batiushka, what is the tradition? In Lent, at "Blessed art Thou", do we make a little metany, or a great metany?� Knowing the rancour attached to the dispute, poor Fr Veniamin trembled, grew pale, then fainted dead away and fell backwards.

So next they went to the Skete of the Forerunner, and asked Fr Onouphry: �Batiushka, we want to know, we have a terrible argument at Omsk--what is the tradition? Because half the people say to make small metanies at "Blessed art Thou" now, and half say great metanies. And we start fighting, terrible, terrible. So, tell us, what is the Tradition?� Seeing the ferocity in their faces, poor Hieromonk Anatoly simply fainted dead away.
Then someone shouted, �Let's go to Elder Ioann and ask him!� It was a marvellous idea. Surely the elder�s answer would bring peace, for he was respected by all, a native of Omsk, and his hoary 94 years guaranteed a knowledge of what the old tradition had been.

So a large crowd gathered at the elder�s dacha on the outskirts of town. Some 15 men from both sides entered the dacha, and found frail Elder Ioann lying on his bed. As he struggled to draw himself up and offer tea, they cut him off: �Elder Ioann, you have to help us! What is the Tradition? Every year in Lent, at "Blessed art Thou, O Lord", half of the people at Pokrov make little metanies, and half the people great metanies, and we start to argue, and the service doesn't even finish because of the fistfight!� Then Elder Ioann said firmly, in his voice shaking with age, and with tears streaming down his joyful face, �That... is... the Tradition!�